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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".