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These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.