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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?