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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.