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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
My memory foam has amnesia
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.