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I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues