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Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.