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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.