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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.