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OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.