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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Bad decisions make good stories.