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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.