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There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.