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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.