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Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...