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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.