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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What’s the answer to this question?
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.