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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/