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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.