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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5