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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.