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Partying on my level requires years of training.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm