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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
is "insert clever remark here."
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.