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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.