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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.