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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug