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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss