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There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one