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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!