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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!