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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?