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I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.