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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.