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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.