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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.