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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.