Daily Silly Status

It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.

If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™

Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary

Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.

The synonym for `reality` is `offline`

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer

I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.

Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.

It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.

I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!