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A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.