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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.