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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.