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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.