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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.