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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...