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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman