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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!