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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!