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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.