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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.