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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?