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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.