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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.