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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.