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Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.