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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.