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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well