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Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.