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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`