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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Insert coin to view my status message.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.