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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.