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I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.