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Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.