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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke