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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation