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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Don`t believe everything you think.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I was born to be happy… not normal.