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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.