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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
Don`t believe everything you think.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.