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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.