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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.