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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.